The Bible, As Fake News!

If we are to believe the content of the Bible then the character known as Satan, the nemesis of even an omnipotent being, (what power) the very essence of diabolical evilness, may have pulled off the biggest scam in the history of mankind, god-kind or for that matter any-kind.

Here is how he (Satan) did it! In the same fashion that he swayed Eve to give up paradise, for of all things an apple (even when there were other apple trees in the garden). (What gullibility – what salesmanship) He (Satan) got into the minds of the biblical authors by promising them, that no matter how bad or good they behaved on Earth, (good people that slip up, do go to hell along with people pretending) that when they got to Hell, he would assure them, that they were engulfed in eternal pleasure. No matter what they desired they would be unrestricted, unlike when and if they arrived in heaven, where certain acts where off limits because they were considered to be deviant. No questions asked totally unrestricted pleasure. Well as you can imagine Satan’s hell was sounding better, a lot better than gods heaven. So; a deal was struck but there was a bit of confusion as to what the devil expected and just how his scheme would be presented. Satan kinda rolled his eyes at these holy wizards and stated “look it’s simple the bible is the book that contains the word of god and it’s purpose is to save mankind from the sin. That would be the sin I coerced Eve into committing back in the garden”. (Yes god has condemned everyone for Eve’s sin)”However, now pay close attention because this is tricky, because – since I am the true author, the purpose of the bible is to ensure that everyone winds up with me instead of winding up with his eminence, you know the Lord. Mark clearing his throat says “how in the name of god, oh sorry, are we supposed to make a book that is supposed to save people, be the book that ensures people are condemned”? Satan says “the first lesson I will teach you, is to disable the intellect so that no matter how absurd this books gets, it is folly to question the word of god. Tell them God works in strange ways. If that doesn’t do it, then tell them to doubt just one thing, will send them to hell for ever. Once reasoning is disabled the rest is a slam dunk”. Mark and company don’t recognize the term “mumbling ensues”  because basketball is a long way off, Satan notices and rephrases, “the rest is a piece of manna”. Again blank stares, “just write it that way okay.”  “Sure, sure” the boys respond in unison.

So with pen in hand the plot begins to be laid down.  Shortly though grumbling turns to cursing and quills are hurled to the floor. Luke (not his real name) says “This is really frustrating, make it look like we are saving them but ensuring their condemnation” John says ‘revelation check this out, hey Luke what is the name of that town over by Gomorrah named for Butt humping”? “You mean Sodom”Luke says. “Yeah that’s the place”.

John says to Luke, “What do you think of this? We say that this is a sin, make it look like god hates homosexuals even though he made them, Mark interrupts “who the hell is going to believe that?” Satan says  ” You’ve forgotten already, we’ve disabled their intellect” ” Oh right sorry Satan” “now you’re  getting it, go ahead John speak”, “The dim wits will believe anything to save themselves. So god hates the homo’s, the 87 % that aren’t turn on the 13% , that are – thus insuring that hate will ensue and the suckers will never love thy neighbor’s as themselves, slam dunk right, Satan?” Matt says “you haven’t addressed the 20% that entertains the idea of being a homo” John says we got it covered in the impure thought’s addendum  and off to hell with them”. ” Now your going to hell for what you think, that should drive the believer nuts” Luke asks “how is this helping, to [not] save people.”? John says” simple I’m not choosing my desires and when we convince people that this is a sin it turns to self loathing which turns to anger and then for some, violence explodes, which leads to hurting or killing others, something the man up there doesn’t like” Bingo!

Satan looks at John, ” I am beginning to like you” John blushes! Mark not to be outdone in vying  for Satan’s kudos,  “Okay guy’s I’m onto it”, Satan lifts his left brow and nods, “well go ahead then.” “God plays favorites” Satan yell’s “that’s it” the others cheer because they see, this will lead to their guarantee of an eternity in hell and their Satan promised eternity of pleasure. Satan asks “a little elaboration. please Mark” Well god will ignore all the other people he created and only speak to the  Israelite’s” “Good choice John says they are the most backward and superstitious that I know, we’ll circulate a pamphlet telling them that they are the chosen people”. Satan ” they aren’t reading yet”   Mark,”got it covered enter the prophet” More spontaneous cheering, even Satan claps. Mark finishes up by saying ‘We’ve  effectively put a division where non exist thus ensuring eternal conflict and strife.

And it came to pass that murder and mayhem would stay with men for as log as they existed. Not to mention ignorance in perpetuity. God till this very day remains befuddled that his creation has run amuck. He knew from the outset that humans had to have the power to think and choose, he never thought they could be so easily misled. He shakes his head everyday hoping that enough people will see what is really going on. “How could anyone take that stupid book the bible as my word”? “They think I’m a murdering baby killing sadistic monster”. “And that I play favorites and love only a select few”.

“I don’t know how but they are dumber than original dumbness”.” Evolution, I guess.”  “Forgive them father for they know not what they do”.” These religious zealots are giving God a bad name”.  And the author’s,  till this day are having a grand time in hell, and yes it gets pretty kinky at times. Amen!!

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